Sunday, 4 March 2018

Why Depression Makes Me Feel Like A Fraud



My battle with anxiety and depression is no secret. In the last few years I have taken to my social media platforms and my little space here on the internet to talk about my mental health. I do this not for attention or sympathy but purely to find some sort of solidarity from others in similar positions. You see the worst thing about anxiety/depression is the fact that it convinces you that you are entirely alone in feeling the way you do, which for me, is the very worst part.

If you go through and read any of my school reports, there is one word that reoccurs in every page, "Bubbly".








Without blowing my own trumpet, I have always been that person, the annoyingly happy person who makes people laugh, it's my best personality trait and one that I have been renowned for, for as long as I can remember. I am consistently praised for being that person, and it is for that reason that my mental health, more specifically, depression makes me feel like a fraud. 

For the most part, I still am the same person in those school reports. My journey with depression has its peaks and troughs and 70% of the time it is manageable, but then come the flair ups, the weeks of incessant crying and feelings of doubt and loneliness, the endless FaceTimes and phone calls to my mum trying to make sense of why this happens, the days spent sleeping and surrendering to the ferocity of these horrific thoughts and feelings, the exhaustion that comes after a full day of putting on a "brave face". The brain is one of the most powerful organs, and in these flair ups, it takes complete control of me and I feel as though I'm fighting a losing battle. 

During these times, I try as hard as possible to make sure there are no cracks in my brave face. To maintain my title as that person. I try to hold it together until I get to the confinements of my safe space, and only then do I come undone. Even in the darkest of times, depression still allows me to feel happiness, sometimes only for a few seconds before the bad stuff comes back, sometimes for a few hours, sometimes I start to think the depression is going away, but then a thought comes back to me and I find myself back in square one. One of the the worst parts about it is that it comes and goes in waves, and each time feels like the first time you've been hit. 

Depression has taught me many things, but the most important is that old cliche "never judge a book by its cover".

“Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.”



2 comments :

  1. You're no fraud. So many of us wear masks. Most of us I'd say.
    I know those dark times too. Maybe even darker.
    I'm pleased to hear you have your mum's shoulder for support. I hope she understands too.

    If you ever need a bit more support PM me. Talking is always good. You'll know who I am.
    "Juan"

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dark days are there to make the lighter moments so much brighter x I too have so many darkdays and have learned to hold onto the light. Sending support and strength your direction.

    ReplyDelete